


He Remembered

by mishaismyspiritanimal



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Child Abuse, Gods, Kidnapped, Kinda, M/M, Memory Loss, Mentions of Nightmares, POV Castiel, Past Castiel/Dean Winchester, People sacrificing Animals, Post-Purgatory, Purgatory, Sacrificing Animals, Sacrificing People, Sad Castiel, Stubborn Dean Winchester, This is my first time posting, Violence, mentions of trauma, what even is a tag, working a case
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-10-04 13:09:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17305193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mishaismyspiritanimal/pseuds/mishaismyspiritanimal
Summary: Castiel Remembered the quiet moments in purgatory that Dean and Cas would spend together alone as Benny was off somewhere else. He remembered the first time he finally built up the courage to tell Dean he didn't want to to just friends anymore. Dean smiled, it was the happiest Cas had seen him since before purgatory. Dean pulled him in and suddenly Cas knew what Dean meant when he talked about the purity of this literal god forsaken place. The issue was, Dean didn't.After Cas and Dean escaped purgatory,  the memories were too much for Dean. He was plagued by nightmares and trauma, and Cas couldn't stand to see him like that anymore, so he erased Dean's memories of purgatory, but in doing that, he erased the memories of them being together too. But whatever, Cas was fine, or at least that's what he told himself.  Not long after, they find a case, one that went from a few creepy animal sacrifices, to people sacrifices. And as the body count rises, and they hit dead end after dead end after dead end in the case, it becomes more and more clear that whoever doing this, is after them, and this time, there may not be a way out.





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first time posting here, and i'm still a bit new to this whole thing , so please take mercy on me. Constructive criticism is always welcome, but please don't be a dick. And please tell me if I missed any tags or anything, or you find typos. Thank you for reading!

Castiel Remembered. He Remembered the quiet moments in purgatory that Dean and Cas would spend together alone as Benny was off somewhere else. He remembered the first time he finally built up the courage to tell Dean he didn't want to to just friends anymore. Dean smiled, it was the happiest Cas had seen him since before purgatory. Dean pulled him in and suddenly Cas knew what Dean meant when he talked about the purity of this literal god forsaken place. He remembered the silent nights they would spend alone in each others arms, feeling safe for the first time in days. Their relationship barley had a name yet, but it was there. It was growing and flourishing and it was right after Dean had finally told Cas he loved him, admitted he had known for a while, but was too scared to tell him because everyone he loved got hurt right before the leviathans attacked and they found the portal. 

The issue was, Dean didn't. 

By the time they both finally got out, the memories were too traumatic for Dean. He would flinch at the slightest movement. Wake up screaming and calling out for Cas. Begging the dream Leviathans not to rip him or Cas to shreds. 

The third week in a row this happened, Cas knew what he had to do. And he also knew it was gonna be the most painful thing he would ever have to do. 

“ Dean” Cas rumbled gently.

Dean was still shaking, tears were still streaming down his face, the nightmare was especially bad tonight.  
“ Cas” Dean whimpered. Pawing at his shirt and trying to cuddle closer.

“ This can't go on anymore” 

Dean barked a humorless laugh “ Well there's not much we can do about it. And don't you fucking dare suggest erasing my memory again. I won't forget you, this” 

“ Dean, it's the only way” They had had this same conversation since Cas realized how extensive purgatory's damage was on Dean

“ No, Cas” 

Cas sighed, he knew he had to, it was the best thing for Dean. So Cas took Dean's face in his calloused hands and smiled sadly.

“ I never got to tell you that I love you too, Dean” 

“ No” A look of realization passed his face, then he was crying for a totally different reason. “ Cas please. This'll hurt you soon much - you can't - I don't wanna forget how much I love you” 

“ I'll never forget how much I love you” Cas said as a tear fell down his face too. He pulled him in for a kiss one last time. Searing and desperate before he slid his hand from Dean's hair to his forehead, smiling one last time, searching into the man's eye and hoping that maybe Dean would fall again in love with him so someday, but knowing deep down it would never happen. 

He reached out with his grace into Dean's memories and erased most all of purgatory- well not erased. The human brain didn't work that way, with memories that traumatic anyway. He did something similar to what Death did to Sam after he got out of Lucifer's cage. Barricading them behind a wall. But with the memories after, he could be more careful. Only erasing the dreams, and the memories of them together. He put Dean to sleep to, and when he woke up, Cas would only be a friend to him once again.

When he popped into Sam's room (Sam and Dean started getting separate rooms after they got back because Dean and Cas wanted to be together) He finally let himself breakdown. Sam comforted him, but was silently grateful too, knowing his brother wasn't in pain anymore. 

That was two weeks ago. 

It hurt Castiel every time he looked at Dean, remembering his love for Dean, how Dean used to love him back. But Dean was back to normal. Castiel had told him that he had taken some traumatic memories away and nothing more which Dean thanked him for. 

Castiel started distancing himself from the Winchesters, for his sake. Maybe he could move on from Dean. Though the more time he spent away the more time the more he knew that would never happen, not entirely. 

But he still answered each and every one of Dean's prayers.

“ Dude” Dean grumbled “ Personal space” 

“ Apologies“ 

Dean rolled his eyes but smiled. A smile that Cas recognised. It reminded him of the same smile Dean would flash right before leaning in for a kiss- small and fond. And it reminded him that that would never happen again. This was exactly why he kept his space from Dean from now on. 

“ Why did you call?” 

“ What? Can't a friend call to say hi?” 

Cas sighed and raised his eyebrows, waiting for an honest answer.

“ Well - it's just you haven't been around much lately Cas, and you've been avoiding me since the memory wipe. Did I do something wrong? Because If I did, and that's why you erased my memory then I'd like to know because I really don't want you to hate me anymore and -” 

“ Has this been bothering you?” Cas asked, cutting off Dean's nervous rambling

Dean slowly nodded, not meeting Cas's eyes. 

“ I don't hate you Dean” it's quite the opposite. Is what Cas didn't say.

“ Then what is it then?” Dean raised his voice, getting angry now “ What are you trying to hide behind that flimsy-ass wall you installed into my mind!” Dean was in his face now, and Cas reached out before he even thought about it to comfort his lover- no, not anymore- but stopped short, hand in midair, remembering why they were having this conversation in the first place.

Cas backed up “ I must go. Heavenly duties await me”

“ You and heaven aren't even on speaking terms -” 

But Cas disappeared before he even got the whole sentence out.

The next time Dean called a week later, it was for a completely different reason.

Dean wouldn't meet his eyes anymore. It hurt Castiel, a lot. He wished Dean would look at him like he was the center of the universe again. But instead he stayed stubborn and angry.

“ We have a case” Sam informed him.

Of course. Of course it was just a case, that's what the Winchester's needed him for. The only thing they needed him for. Dean didn't need him. And that fact hit him like a train and -

“ Cas? Cas you okay?” Dean looked mildly worried, the angry stubbornness gone from his eyes for a moment. 

“ I'm fine, now what's the case?”

“ That's the thing” Sam cuts in “ We're not sure” 

“ We thought it wasn't a case at first, just some crazy fucks sacrificing animals for fun” Dean supplied 

“ Sacrificing animals?”

“ Yeah, I mean humans are more fucked up than monsters half the time, but we thought we'd check it out anyway, and we found some weird ass sigils, carved into the animals” 

Sam handed Cas a crumpled piece of paper with two sigils hastily drawn.

Castiel studied them for a long moment before he shook his head “ I've never seen anything like this. It's not enochian, maybe ancient Greek? But if it is, it's extremely old and early Greek, just when the language was taking shape. I can't read it”

“ I thought you could read all languages” Dean said, and he sounded almost angry that Cas couldn’t read it.

“ The time the Ancient Greek society was being born, I was busy”

Dean rolled his eyes “ You’re a great help, Cas”

“ Dean, don’t be an ass, Cas is trying to -” 

Sam cut off when his phone rang, he answered the call, leaving the motel room.

“ I apologize Dean” Cas said sadly. Dean’s words hurt, no matter how much he tried to brush it off. Dean just doesn’t know Cas kept telling himself. It’s not his fault. It didn’t help much though because Dean may not know, but Cas did. He was haunted by some of the happiest times in his existence every time he looked at Dean, and it may not be rejection, but it sure felt like it- 

Sam ran back into the room, cutting off the train of thought“ Dean, throw on your suit, we gotta go. Like Now.”


	2. Chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I know I only posted the first chapter to this like a few hours ago but its 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep so I kinda went on a writing spree and finished this whole chapter. Anyway I hope you enjoy

“ Agents” A tall man in his late sixties wearing a police uniform greeted them with a southern accent led them past the caution tape. “ And who’s this?” 

“ He’s with us”

The man nodded “ Shit’s took a dark turn boys. I’ve been on this job thirty years and ain’t never seen a crime scene as gruesome as this”

He led them through the bustling crime scene into what looked like a normal house.

What they definitely wasn’t normal, was blood splattered all across the mundane looking living room, and a dead man in the middle, completely gutted, just like the animals.

The police man looked grim “ This’s a small peaceful town, I ain’t never dealt with anything more than petty robberies” 

Castiel nodded “ We’ll get to the bottom of this” 

"I sure hope so” the man muttered darkly

After that, the man walked away, going to talk to other police man. 

“ I’ll go check for EMF” With that, Dean was off

Cas approached the body, examining it when he noticed the sigils again, carved into the man’s forehead.

He couldn’t sense any power, so this wasn’t witchcraft, which he knew Dean would be grateful for.

“ Sam- er agent Tanner, look at this” Cas called over to Sam

“ The sigils” Sam muttered “ witches?”

“ No, I don’t sense any residual power here” 

Sam nodded “ Werewolves? But they usually only take the heart, and it's definitely not vamps” 

“ I'm not sure” 

“ No EMF” Dean announced, walking up to them. 

“ If this is fucking witches again-” 

“ It's not, I can't sense any residual power” 

“ Thank god” Dean muttered under his breath

Cas tilted his head at Dean “ I do not understand how my father-”

Dean rolled his eyes “ Cas, just stop” And Cas didn’t understand why, but a small and fond smile played at Dean’s lips, and he didn’t know how, but he put it there. 

Pride was a sin, but Castiel felt it anyways as Dean shook his head, the smile never wavering.

 

Back at the Motel, hours later, they were having little progress.

“ If I read one more goddamn word, i’m going to bash my head in a window” Dean grumbled. 

Sam rolled his eyes, mumbling incoherent words that sounded a lot like ‘ fucking baby’ before something seemed to occur to him, though Dean was too busy glaring at his current book to notice. “ Why don’t you go on a food run” Sam suggested

Dean lit up at the prospect of food, getting up and grabbing the keys to the Impala, he was out the door. 

Cas eyed Sam suspiciously, he was up to something. 

“ We haven’t gotten a chance to talk at all, and I wanted to know how you were doing”

Castiel was expecting anything but that. 

“ I’m fine, Sam” 

Sam wasn’t buying it.

Of course, the first ten minutes of their conversation was spent with Cas dening anything was wrong, and Sam calling him out on his bullshit and asking him to just cut it out and talk.  
Cas knew he was anything but fine, but he didn’t want to admit that to Sam, admitting it to Sam meant admitting it to himself, which he really didn’t want to do, but he broke eventually, a tear falling from one eye as he finally admitted that he was in fact not fine.

“ Maybe you could tell him” Sam suggested

“ We both know I can’t do that” 

Sam nodded solemnly “ I can’t imagine how hard this is for you Cas, I mean, I can’t imagine-” He cuts off shivering at his own words. 

“ And Sam, you understand why I've been attempting to distance myself, it’s nothing against you, it’s just -” 

“ I know”

“ And I’ve found it’s not working. I just wish he remembered, which is selfish I know”

“ It’s not selfish to wish something, hell, I would too” 

Cas smiled sadly “ Well, there’s nothing I can do- ” he abruptly cut off and yelled “You can stop eavesdropping Dean, I know you’re there” 

Dean slowly opened the door, looking guilty as ever.  
"How much did you hear?” Sam asked, and a thunderous look crossed Dean’s face

“ Enough” He answered, now openly scowling at the both of them. “ and i’m fucking tired of not knowing what the hell I did, to apparently hurt Cas. If you’d just tell me-”

“ Just let it go Dean, it doesn’t matter”

Cas flinched at that, which caused Dean’s attention to fall on Cas, and his expression turned from clinical and judging, to sheer worry in a matter of seconds, the anger melting form his face. 

“ Cas” Dean asked slowly “ Have you been crying?” His voice sounded worried and almost mother-like an it reminded him so much of the same worry that Dean would radiate whenever Cas would get hurt in purgatory. Cas would always tell him that he was fine. I’m an angel of the lord, I can handle a few scratches, Cas would grumble. Dean would roll his eyes.

Thinking of purgatory, reminded him of something else Dean had said. 

It was a quiet night, the monsters were few and far that day, and for once, the woods were silent. They were laying together in a small patch of grass staring at the stars that littered the sky. Dean’s head rested on Cas’ chest, their arms wrapped around one another and legs tangled. 

“ You know” Dean had said “ I remember when it really hit me that I was in love with you” It was only a few nights before that Dean had admitted his love. Cas had wanted to say it back, but couldn’t. His mouth refused to shape those specific words. They were in his throat, on the brink of his tongue, but wouldn’t pass. Saying it would make this final. And this -whatever they were even calling it- felt so temporary. Like he would wake up tomorrow only to find out that it was all some amazing dream. It felt like Dean could slip through his fingers like water, they were in purgatory after all, and saying those words would change that. He was afraid. But Dean didn’t push it, didn’t even mention the fact that he hadn’t said it back. Dean was letting him take his time, which he would be eternally grateful for. 

“ Oh?” Cas answered 

“ Yeah” Dean said, and though Cas couldn’t see it, he could hear the fondness in his voice, and knew Dean was smiling. “ We were working some case together, Vampires I think, in some stupid town in Alabama, and i’d known I had had a crush on you for a while, but then I made a reference which you didn’t get, like always”- and Cas would swear he could hear that eye roll- “and you did your adorable little head tilt and-”

“ You think it’s adorable?” Cas asked, his voice teasing, which Dean ignored. 

“ -And it suddenly hit me. Like, this is it. This is the dude I love” 

Cas pulled Dean up into a kiss and whispered “ I love that you said that” 

He may not have said it directly, the big L word, but they both knew what he meant. Cas loved him back. 

It didn’t hit him until Dean was fast asleep on his chest that that case was months before purgatory. 

And maybe what Dean said was nothing. Maybe he really didn’t love him until purgatory. Or, Dean loved him. Here and now. 

He knew he shouldn’t, but he held onto that hope. Because looking into the eyes of the Man he loved, that might actually love him back, beyond the worry, was the same look of fondness- of love that Dean had given him that quiet night under the stars.


	3. Chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas get into a fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, but I've been busy lately and haven't been able to write all that much and I liked where this one ended

In the past ten minutes Castiel has had two revelations.

One, Dean Winchester might love him back.

Two, it doesn’t currently matter because Dean Winchester was extremely angry. 

Of course, Castiel had tried to leave, he was about to stand up when Dean shot him a look that said  _ I do not fucking care how powerful you are, if you zap out of here right now, i’ll fucking kill you.  _ So Castiel sat back down, crossed his arms over his chest, and proceeded to pout. Dean raised his eyebrows like he knew exactly what Cas was doing, and Cas raised his eyebrows back, mocking Dean’s expression. 

Dean rolled his eyes. 

“ Dean” Sam said “ It seriously doesn’t matter okay? Just let it go”

Cas had to suppress another flinch, because it  _ did  _ matter. 

Dean scoffed “The fuck it doesn’t. I want to know what I did that’s just so  _ bad.  _ I just- I need to  _ know”  _

It was almost a plead, a note in his voice had gone up. And when Cas met his eyes again, they were filled with insecurity. 

Cas stood up and crossed the room, putting his hands on Dean's shoulder and smiling sadly, suppressing tears. “ You didn't do anything bad Dean, quite the opposite.”

Dean met his eyes, confused. “ Then what-”

“ Please Dean, it’ll be easier for everyone of you just let this go, you didn’t do anything bad”  

Dean scoffed pushing Cas’ hands off his shoulders, the fire back behind his eyes. “ But I deserve to know. I may not have done anything bad, but I obviously  _ hurt  _ you Cas.” It wasn’t rejection, Cas knew, but it sure as hell felt like it the way Dean pushed Cas away. It felt like the man he loved was turning away from him. But this time, Dean’s eyes didn’t soften when he saw the hurt flash through them.

“ If I tell you, the wall I put up in your mind is subject to fall. I will  _ not  _ put you at risk like that Dean” It was a clear command, and Dean almost looked surprised before he scowled, crossing his arms over his chest.  Cas now understood why the Winchesters used anger to hide their emotions. It was so much easier. 

“I can handle a few goddamn nightmares Cas. But their my memories and I have a fucking  _ right  _ to them” 

Before Cas even registered his actions, a feral sound erupted from his throat, and he was backing Dean into a wall.

“ I did this for  _ you  _ Dean. To protect  _ you.  _ Now I refuse to see you in an unnecessary amount of pain because of your stubbornness and ignorance.”

“ Whoa” Sam cut in, putting a hand on Cas’ chest to back him up “ Why don’t you go Cas, cool off, and meet us at the morgue at 8 am?”

Cas nodded, and before Dean could protest, was gone. 

  
  


Castiel remembered the time before the Winchesters. A time where he followed orders from his superiors, a time when he didn’t feel much emotion. 

It briefly occurred to him that maybe it should alarm him that that’s how he was measuring time now, before and after the Winchesters, but he brushed the feeling off. 

He stood at a beautiful beach, a place that was very close to him. It was the same beach that his brother had stood by him, smiling so many years ago, saying “ Don’t step on that fish Castiel, God has big plans for that fish” 

The only real, strong emotion he remembered feeling back then was a fierce love for his brothers, well, most of them. 

Even back then he noticed his love was fiercer than most, he felt it more deeply.

But Dean had opened up a whole world for him. He now felt love, passion, anger, and so many types of pain, He now felt with a fierceness that scared him, but it was so much better than feeling nothing. All angels were trained to push emotion down, ignore them in favor of following orders. He couldn’t do that anymore, not when he now knew what it felt like to truly  _ feel.  _ He would take all the pain in the world over feeling nothing. 

And it was pain, that he was feeling now. 

Because every time he looked at Dean, it was a reminder of what he could never have again. He was haunted by the happiest days in his existence, and with the fact that he would never feel like that again. And moving on wasn’t going to well. But he supposed he had to, though Cas didn’t want to move on. Moving on meant accepting that Dean would never love him back, and he couldn’t do that, not with the  _ slim  _ chance that Dean might love him back. 

He had no clue what to do. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and leave kudos!


	4. Chapter four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter has some of Dean's POV in it too, I hope you enjoy!

When Castiel appeared in the parking lot of the morgue at 8:00 am sharp, Dean was leaning against the Impala, looking beautiful as ever, and  not meeting his eyes

Sam shot him an apologetic look. 

" Hello Sam, Dean" 

Dean grumbled a response and pushed off the car, striding into the building without looking back.

“ I tried to talk to him, I really did, but you know how Dean is and-”

“ It’s okay Sam, it’s not your fault, it's mine”'

 

 

Ten minutes later they were all standing in the morgue, which smelled particularly like lemon cleaner and decay. 

Castiel had always hated morgues. There's something off about them that Cas can't pinpoint and it puts him on edge, an air of wrongness that's heavy in a way that's disconcerting.

“ Whoever did this, was a sick fuck” Abigail, her name tag read, was finishing up stitches, she huffed and put her tools away, taking her gloves off, and shook all their hands, smiling warmly for someone who worked in a morgue. 

“ Agents I assume?” They flashed their badges and she nodded. 

“ What’d you find?” Castiel asked

She shook her head “ I’ve never seen anything like it boys, original cause of death is a stab wound to the chest, a  _ deep  _ stab wound.”

“ But all the blood we saw-” Sam cut in"

“ His heart was removed, like surgically removed, after death and missing, and he’s got these weird symbols carved into his forehead”

“ Surgically? Like it wasn’t some animal?” Dean asked 

The nurse gave him a weird look “ No, it was definitely a person who did this.” She gave Dean a sideways glance, but continued “ I’ve never seen anything this brutal in my 15 years at this job. The man you’re looking for knows his shit, probably a surgeon, with the precision I saw”

Sam gives her a curt nod “ Thank you for your time, ma’am”

She smiled, less warm this time  “ Yeah don’t thank me until you’ve found the sick fucker”

 

 

“ What the  _ hell!” _ Dean repeated for the sixth time in the car on their way back to the hotel

“ At least we know it’s not a werewolf” Sam chimed in, unhelpfully.

“ What the hell else rips people’s hearts out?” 

“ Not ripped, surgically removed” Cas corrected, and Dean just rolled his eyes, ignoring his comment

“ What the hell kinda monster surgically removes people's hearts?” 

“ I don't know man” Sam said as they pulled up to the motel.

Research was just as successful.

It was Dean ignoring and refusing to meet Cas’ eyes, and it sucked.  

Dean huffed, laying his head down on the table “ If I read another word, i’m putting my head through the goddamn window”

“ Haven’t found anything?”

“ What the hell do you think Samantha?”

“No need be an asshole Dean, I was just asking” Sam snapped back

“ You know what, fuck this” Dean got up, grabbing the keys to the impala and heading out the door 

“ Dean-”

“ No, You don’t get to say a goddamn  _ thing _ Cas” 

“ Dean please-” Cas pleaded  

“ You know what, no. Fuck you Cas, and fuck your stupid memories, it probably didn’t matter. You probably  _ deserved  _ whatever the hell I did to you that was just so bad” 

Sam gasped. “ Dean I swear fucking to god-” 

But he was already out the door and starting the impala. 

Sam met Cas’ eyes and there was already tears brimming his eyes. 

“ Cas-” But then Cas was gone too. 

 

 

_ It probably didn’t matter. You probably deserved whatever the hell I did to you.  _ The words were swimming around Cas’ mind, echoing. 

It hurt so much to hear from someone who had declared his love not a few months before. Saying their love didn’t matter. He was sitting on the beach again, but this time the calm atmosphere did nothing to soothe him. The waves lapping up on the shore and the beautifully endless ocean did nothing to lessen the blow of Dean’s words. 

He tried to tell himself that Dean just didn’t know, his ignorance wasn’t his fault. But the man that soothed him before, told him he loved him everyday, just told him it meant nothing. 

Tears were flowing freely from his eyes now."

He thought of purgatory again, he thought about how he planned to stay, he needed to pay penance for what he had done, and he was so  _ sure, _ and then Dean found him and wrapped his arms around him and he wasn’t so sure anymore. 

He remembered the day after when he knew he had to put his desires away, had to stay, and he had to tell Dean. He didn’t deserve to be on earth anymore. What’d he’d done, there was no forgiving. But then that night Dean had laid down next to him, wrapped his arms around him, mumbling “ for warmth” and they both knew it was a lie.

He knew for sure that night that he didn’t have the willpower to stay away from Dean, no matter how wrong. Dean wrapped his arms around him and he felt safe and loved for the first time in his existence and he could never pay Dean back for giving him that feeling for the first time, no matter how this turned out he would always be grateful to Dean for that. Then Dean did it the next night, and the next. Benny never said anything, but even he could see there was something growing between them. It started out slow, with cuddling and soft touches, and talking late at night about al the things they missed from earth and staring at the sky full of impossible stars. Until Dean put his calloused hand on Cas’ cheek, saying that if He didn’t live through this he needed cas to know that he wanted him as more than a friend. Cas was so ecstatic he threw his arms around Dean’s shoulders and pulled him into a ‘crushing hug. Dean laughed

“ Angel strength, Cas” Dean’s voice came muffled by Cas’ shirt. Cas let Dean go, but he barely pulled away, just enough to grab Cas’ face with both hands and their lips met and Cas was still so ecstatic. He couldn’t believe the righteous man had chosen him to love. And he was still so ecstatic and surprised when Dean pulled him onto the ground and Cas crawled on top, and they were both giggling like teenagers and smiling like idiots but it didn’t matter because everything else in the world had faded away to just Dean, and Dean’s lips and Dean’s body. 

And that’s when he felt it. He felt longing. But it wasn’t his, it was Dean’s, and it was so strong and so palpable that he could almost taste it. And it tasted like desperation, and anger and insecurity that ran so deep it could only be Dean’s.. And so he went. He went because he may be mad at Dean and Dean may be mad at him but he still couldn't stand to think that he was in that much pain, and the second he got there he wished he didn't. 

Dean had a girl pushed up against the Impala, whispering into her ear in the parking lot of a bar. 

So many emotions flooded through him at once, jealousy and anger, which he knew were both wrong, because he and Dean were not together but felt anyway, but over all, he felt  _ hurt.  _ It was the final straw, he was sure now Dean would never love him back, there was no hope. 

Dean froze, slowly turning around. “ Cas? What-”

“ My apologies, I didn’t mean to intrude”

Dean look so incredibly guilty, which confused Castiel because there was no need to be. 

“ Cas wait-”

But Cas was gone again. 

 

Dean’s POV

 

The second the words flew out of Dean’s mouth, he regretted them. Then he saw the look of hurt wash over Cas’ face and he knew he had just fucked up,  _ big time _ . But he was just so angry, they were his memories, and he couldn’t take knowing he had something, but not knowing what. He felt incredibly guilty everytime he looked at Cas but he didn’t know what for. 

He needed to know whatever the hell it was that he did because he could see it eating at Cas everyday, and he hated seeing Cas in pain. All he wanted to do was take Cas in his arms and make him forget all about any pain. He’d known he’d loved Cas for a long time, but it was worse lately. The longing was constant. He  _ wanted  _ Cas, but he also wanted Cas to be happy. Cas didn’t need him, Dean was mean, he was insecure and so fucked up. Cas needed to go find someone else, someone who could make him happy, someone who didn’t have nightmares, someone who cared weather they lived or died. 

So he was sitting in some skeevy bar looking for someone to help him forget Cas, when a pretty blonde sauntered up to him, leaning in close and smiling

“ I was waiting for you to come up and ask me for a drink, but it looks like I have to do all the work myself” Dean swiveled his chair towards her and looked her up and down. She was beautiful, usually just his type, but he couldnt’t get Cas out of his mind, he grabbed her hips anyway, and smiled, leaning in “ Well I’m glad you did”

“ What’s your name, sweetie?” She asked him, leaning in closer. 

“Dean”

“ Well hello Dean, I’m Jessica”

Dean moved his hands up, “ I’m usually not one to cut to the chase, but wanna get outta here?” 

She laughed “ Of course, your place or mine?”

“ Yours” 

“ Lead the way”

They followed each other out of the bar, laughing and grabbing at each other. He pushed her up against the Impala, but he just wished it was Cas so bad, he could almost feel his presence- wait.

Dean froze, and slowly turned around, and there he was, Cas. Standing there looking beautiful as ever, with a look on his face so hurt it broke Dean’s heart, and Dean could see he’d been crying. 

“ Cas, what-”

“ My apologies,  I didn’t mean to intrude” Dean felt like he’d been caught red-handed, which didn’t make sense, because they weren't even together.

“ Cas, wait-” But he was already gone. 

“ So that’s who you’ve been trying to forget” Jessica said smiling softly, and Dean realised she just saw a man disappear and didn’t seem to surprised.

“ Winchester?’ She asked

“ How’d you-”

“ You’re pretty popular in the hunter community”

“ You’re a hunter?” 

“ Yeah, I thought it might be you when I saw you in the bar, but wasn’t sure”

Dean realized he still had her pinned up against the car and backed away, leaning against the car beside her. “ How’d you know I was trying to forget someone?”

She put her arm on her shoulder softly “ Honey, i’ve been with enough men to know the ones who are trying to forget someone else. I have to say I assumed it was a girl, but had the feeling you swung both ways”

Dean looked up, the stars were shining especially beautiful tonight. 

“ What the hell do I do?’ He asked softly

“ You want my advice? Go after that boy, the way he was lookin’ at you, he really loves you, and you just hurt him, Bad. But fight for him, because I can see it in your eyes you love him to. Go after him, fight for him”

She walked away into the night, and left Dean leaning against the impala more confused than ever. 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would've gotten this out sooner, but unfortunately, I must attend hell ( AKA high school) and that gets in the way of my writing

Castiel wanted to turn off his emotions, but couldn’t. He used to be able to dim them down in the midst of a fight, a mission. Missions mattered most, emotions came last always, but they were constant now, eating away at him and it just pissed him off more. 

He finally knew what it meant to be human, and now understood why people turned to drugs and alcohol, but he couldn’t do that either.  

The next time he got a prayer it was but a few days later, and it was Sam instead of Dean calling. He was standing at a dock, he lost track of the city he was in, somewhere along the east coast he assumed. Sailors were laughing and clinking beers, retelling sailing stories while untangling nets and fixing boats when  _ We think we know something about the case, Come when you can  _ reverberated through his mind.He gave one more sideways glance at the man he was listening to, he was telling a story about the biggest whale he’d ever seen,  _ A hundred feet long!  _ He’d exclaimed. The man was nice, offered Cas a beer, which he graciously declined, and went on to tell his story to which Cas listened intently, he was exaggerating, of course, but it didn’t matter. All these people had so little, yet were so happy with what they had. They were all full of so much life, happy with the little they had and it startled Cas the first time he’d come here, but he got used to it, and eventually fell in love with this place, and it’s people. Castiel waved a goodbye before walking out of sight and disappearing. He didn't want to scare the man after all. 

“ - Why do we even need Cas-” Was the first thing he heard Dean say, which was quickly cut off, Dean staring at Cas wide eyed and just guiltily. Sam glared daggers at him before turning to Cas, his gaze softening

“ I think we have something” Sam said, motioning Cas over to the book both Sam and Dean were hunched over. Cas scanned over the page it was turned to, acutely aware of how close he was to Dean, but ignoring it for the time being. 

Sam was smiling triumphantly when Cas got done reading and looked up. “ See?” 

“ You think they’re human sacrifices?” Cas asked looking back down at the page, the The page had a cave drawing of a man killing another man, with his hand in the man’s chest, reaching for his heart, and under, it talked about how people in ancient times would sacrifice people to gods, and sounded dangerously similar to how the last victim had died. 

“ So we’re hunting people?” Dean asked. “ Why the hell are we here than? The cops can figure that out themselves”

“ That’s the thing though, I don’t think we are.”

“ What?”

“ They have to be sacrificing to something” 

A look of realization crossed Dean’s face. “ So we’re hunting a god, ok, but which one”

Cas cut in “ Most gods are dead, hunted to extinction, the ones known by your kind anyway”

“ The ones known by our kind?” 

“ Many have been forgotten, and lost throughout history” 

“ So, you’re telling me we’re hunting a god no one has ever heard of?” Dean asked

“ Why would someone do that though, doesn’t it seem a little old timey for someone today to be sacrificing people to gods?” Sam asked Cas

“ It’s surprising what your kind will do to please higher life forms.” 

“ I find that hard to believe,  people killed those people, for some god that no one has ever heard of Cas” 

“ In our line of work?” 

Dean just shrugged.

Cas sat down, and opened a book, content to read and ignore Dean, and Dean seemed just as on board with the plan until Sam sighed heavily, looking between the two before standing up and grabbing the keys to the impala.

“ I'm going to the library,  while i’m gone,  _ talk _ ” 

Dean grumbled about bitchy brothers before Sam was out the door, leaving Cas and Dean in a tense silence. 

Dean broke first “ Cas, please, just tell me” His voice was so small, but filled with so much emotion it took Castiel aback

“ Dean, we’ve been through this-” 

“ No!” Dean slammed his hand down on the table, shaking the books and beer bottles left from earlier “don’t you dare start with that shit again” 

Dean was angry, but it wasn’t silent fuming anger, it was loud, angry emotional anger, it was the type of anger that brought tears, and Cas had never seen so much emotion pouring out of Dean at once. It broke his heart

“ Dean, I told you no, I won’t risk your safety”

Dean laughed, but there was no humor in it “ That’s a flimsy fucking excuse Cas, and I can see right through it! I deserve to know. I can’t take it Cas. I can’t-”

Cas rolled his eyes, getting angry“  _ You  _ Can’t take it? What about me Dean.” Cas stood up from the table, now towering over Dean “ Did you ever stop to think about what I’m going through. You just- you don’t  _ know _ ”

“What don’t I know Cas?” Dean stood up too “ Because I can fucking see it. I can see it, whatever  _ it  _ is eating at you everyday and I CAN’T TAKE IT” Dean yelled the last part. His chest was heaving now, he was panting, clenching and unclenching his fists.

It stayed silent, for what seemed like house but only must have been a few minutes and Cas was about ready to fly out, maybe return to the dock and try to forget about Dean. But Dean must have sense it coming because he grabbed Cas’ hand, and met his eyes, a tear falling from one eye

“ Please don’t go” and his voice was so small and hurt, how the hell was he supposed to say no? So he tentatively reached up and wiped the tear away, and Dean leaned into the touch, then the next thing Cas knew they were hugging. He wasn’t even sure who initiated it, but Dean was pulling him closer and clutching onto him and Cas felt wanted for the first time since he erased Dean’s memory so maybe he clutched onto Dean a little too. 

Cas wasn’t sure how long it lasted but eventually he heard a “ I’m sorry” muffled by his shirt and Dean reluctantly pulled away. 

“ I’m sorry too, Dean” 

Dean smiled, it was small, but it was there and Cas couldn't help feeling pride for putting it there. 

Cas about to sit back down to keep researching, but Dean pulled him away, towards his bed. Cas widened his eyes at the innuendo. 

Dean immediately blushed “ I didn’t mean, um. Well I just meant-”

Cas laughed, raising his eyebrows 

“ Shut up” Dean mumbled “ I just don’t wanna research anymore” 

“ I didn’t say anything” 

Dean rolled his eyes, sitting down on his bed and grabbing the TV remote. Cas was about to sit on Sam’s bed when Dean gestured him over. 

“ I mean unless you don’t want to, you know, sit over here, which is cool, I mean-” 

Cas cut off his ramblings by getting up and sitting on the bed with Dean, keeping a safe distance away. Dean put on Dr. Sexy, and they fell into a comfortable silence, unlike just earlier, where he could almost feel the tension in the air.  

They were barely a few minutes into the episode when Cas heard soft snoring and looked over to see Dean fast asleep. He smiled, Dean was beautiful like this, the frown permanently etched onto his face gone. What Cas definitely was not expecting was for Dean to scoot over, throwing his arm over Cas’ waist and pull him in. Burying his face into Cas’s shirt. Cas smiled, and pretended just for a second that Dean remembered. That Dean loved him.

Cas slowly fell asleep too, well the angel equivalent of sleep, which was more recharging than sleeping. 

That was exactly why he didn’t hear Sam walk in a few hours later.

Cas slowly blinked awake, glancing over to see Sam staring at them, wide-eyed.

He started to extract himself from Dean’s arms when Dean made a disapproving noise, pulling Cas closer and burying his face In Cas’ neck. He threw a leg over Cas’, dangerously close to his crotch. 

His leg was moving up

And up

And up

His knee rubbed over his crotch and Cas made a small sound in the back of his throat that he would deny later. Dean’s leg immediately froze, and he slowly opened his eyes and lifted his head up, cheeks burning red when he realized what was happening.

When he looked over and noticed Sam, he startled so much he sent himself careening off the bed, Cas going with him. 

The next thing Cas knew, Dean was on top of him, both of them landing on the floor.

They both froze, forgetting about Sam for a second. And Cas saw something flash in Dean’s eyes, it was lust. He knew that because he’d seen it there  before. It was gone before he could even fully grasp what he was seeing, he could almost say he imagined it, but he’d seen it. He’d seen it every time Dean and Cas a make out session ran too long, or when he caught Dean staring at him to long.

Then suddenly he became extremely aware that Dean had landed right on his crotch. It seemed that Dean had also became aware of this at the exact same time because his face suddenly became bright red, and god was it sexy.

Cas’ first instinct was to pull Dean down into a kiss, he wanted to flip Dean over so he was on the ground and Cas was on top. He wanted to undress the man and take him on the floor. He  _ wanted.  _ But Cas didn’t do any of that, instead he stared at Dean, waiting for his reaction. Dean was about to say something when San decided to make himself known once again by suddenly bursting out into a fit of laughter. 

Dean scrambled off Cas so fast he almost kicked Cas in the face. And Sam was still laughing harder now. 

Dean stood up grumbling, his face still beet red. 

“ Shut the hell up Sam” 

Sam wiped a tear from his eye, still smiling “ Sorry Dean, but that was hilarious” 

Dean sent Sam a glare, “ Whatever bitch”

“ OK Jerk, well excuse  me if you’re-” 

Cas cut in, hoping to end their argument before it began “ What did you find at the library Sam?”

Sam held up a book, with the title  _ Gods and Demigods: The Mysteries of the Ancient World.  _

Dean was still grumbling under his breath, his face still red, but Sam was now ignoring him, a big smile on his face “ I think I found something” 

Dean perked up “ Go on”

“ So get this. I found this book” Sam started holding up the book in his hand

“ Tell me what’s so special about a book?” Dean raised his eyebrows and Sam rolled his eyes

“ If you’d let me finish you’d know. Anyway it’s about Gods, and sacrifices, And I started reading, and the sacrifices explained in this book are almost exactly like the ones that have been happening. So I researched the author, and he lives not far from here” 

“ Well let’s go” Dean said, grabbing his jacket “ Maybe the guy knows somethin’” 

 As it turned out, the man did not live close.

“ Dean” Sam said, exasperated, “ Just let me pull out google maps” 

“ No. I can navigate without a damn robot telling me things I already know”

“ But Dean, you don’t know where you’re going” 

“ The hell I don’t”

Castiel rolled his eyes at the brother’s bickering, though he would never admit to them how amusing he secretly found it. 

Almost an hour behind schedule, they pulled up to a big, modern house. 

A tall old man opened the door, with a scruffy beard and scowl on his face “ Who are you?” The man asked, sounding annoyed 

“ Hello, Sir” Sam said “ We were wondering if you could answer a few questions about your book. We’re from the local college and doing a project about Gods and their effect on human history”

The man sighed heavily, opening his door wider “ Come in, boys”

He led them into a huge, modern home, past a winding staircase, to his living room and gestured for all of them to sit down. 

The man had a certain way of carrying himself that spoke of cruelty. It was the rigidness in his posture and dimness in eyes that gave him away as a bad man. He was the kind of man that would do anything to get what he wanted. 

Castiel was on guard. 

“ Well” The man said “ What do ya wanna know?”

“ What sparked your interest on this subject?” Dean asked. It was amazing how, a second ago he was yelling at Sam about his refusal to use google maps, and now he was the picture of academic success. His posture straighter than usual and his speech now more proper than it was before. He had a true talent for this job. 

The man’s eyes became distant, a small smile spread on his face. He was remembering. “ It was my late wife Teresa that really got me into it. She was so enthralled with the subject. And I couldn’t blame her”

“ It is pretty fascinating” Cas added with a polite smile 

The man offered a small smile in return.

“ Where did you find all the information?” Sam asked

It was a subtle shift in the man’s posture and facial expression that told Cas he was about to lie. 

“ You know, just good ol’ fashioned research” The man looked almost nervous now. He definitely wasn’t telling them something. “ Look boys, I got some work to do, so it was nice meeting you”

And with that, the man walked away, leaving them to walk themselves out the door. 

“ Well that dude’s definitely on our suspect list” Dean said as he was getting into the impala. 

And Cas couldn’t help but agree. 


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning- this chapter contains scenes of violence and child abuse

Dean’s POV

 

As they drove back to the hotel, Dean let his mind wander to what had happened in the hotel before they left. He thought about how it felt to be in Cas’ arms. How right it felt. God he wanted that, he wanted to fall asleep in Cas’ arms every night, he wanted Cas. He wanted him so bad, but it didn’t matter, because Cas didn’t love him back, and he never would. Dean was messed up, in so many ways Cas didn’t even know about, that Sam didn’t even know about. Cas didn’t need that.

Dean shivered, trying not to think about his past. 

So instead he thought about the way he totally fucking embarrassed himself in front of Sam. 

Fuck, he felt his face heating up just thinking about it, and he was suddenly glad that Cas had flew ahead and Sam had fallen asleep, right after grumbling about how he was never gonna stay up until 4am researching again, which they both knew was a lie. 

And holy shit he wanted Cas. It felt so right being there too, on top of Cas. But there was something else, Dean realized the more he thought about it. 

It felt familiar too. Not just being on top of him, but being in his arms too. Which was extremely weird considering they had never done either of those things.

Whatever, probably nothing, Dean thought as he pulled up to the hotel. 

“ Wake up Sammy” Dean said.

Sam didn’t move, slumping further onto the door. 

“ Sam?” Dean repeated, poking his shoulder. 

After a few minutes Dean realized his efforts were futile, Sam was fast asleep. 

Then Dean had a wicked idea. 

He got out as quietly as he could, walking over to the passenger side before throwing open the door that Sam was leaning heavily on. 

Sam screamed, flailing to the ground, landing heavily on his hands. 

It was hilarious. 

Dean was almost doubled over laughing by the time Sam pushed himself up from the ground. 

“ What the hell Dean!” Sam exclaimed

Dean wiped a tear from his eye, “ You should have woken up” 

Sam huffed “ You wanna start a prank war again Dean? Fine. It’s on” Sam said before stomping into their shared hotel room. 

_ This  _ was gonna be fun. 

 

John Winchester, would haunt Dean forever.

Weather it be through broken memories or trauma. That night, it was a dream. 

Well, more of a memory in the form of a dream.

Dean was 13 and had known for a few years now he liked boys too. He knew his father would never approve, with him constantly making lewd comments whenever the topic showed itself on a crappy motel TV, and constantly rambling about ‘liberal idiots trying to get gays to marry’ 

Dean had never planned to tell his dad, didn’t think he could take the disappointed look in his eyes. But his luck was never that good so really what did he expect? 

He had snuck away, that was his first mistake. His dad was a hunter after all, so looking back it was pretty obvious that John would find him. 

They were about to leave the town, for a case halfway across the country and Dean had fought so hard to stay. He didn’t want  to say goodbye to his first love.

His name was Aaron. 

They met behind the middle school, they were sitting on a bench next to the soccer field. 

“ I don’t want you to go” Aaron whispered

“ I don’t wanna go either”

A tear fell from his eye, and Dean tentatively wiped it away, before pulling him into a crushing hug. 

When Dean pulled away both their eyes were wet with tears. 

Then Dean did something he’d never done before. He leaned in and kissed him. Dean couldn’t tell you how long he lasted, but it was a goodbye kiss so bittersweet. 

He was about to pull away when John’s harsh voice cut through the air. “ Boy what the hell are you doing?”

Dean pulled away “ Dad what are you-” 

“ Think you can sneak away from me? And to some boy? I ain’t raised a  _ gay  _ son” He said the word like it offended him, like it disgusted him. 

John pulled Dean away from Aaron. Dean fought back, but his dad was so much stronger. 

“ Goodbye Aaron” Dean said through tears. 

John threw him into the impala and speeded back to the hotel room. When they pulled up, and got out of the car it was silent for a moment. 

Dean was petrified. 

Dean was expecting the first hit.

By the fifth he was on the ground, had given up on fighting back, barley aware of the constant ‘I’m sorry's’ and ‘please stop's’ that were falling from his mouth

By the tenth he was almost passed out. 

By the time John got back into the impala and driven away to the nearest bar Dean was on the ground of the motel parking lot crying.

He never dated a boy after that.

Dean woke up with tears streaming down his eyes.

He stayed up the rest of the night crying, silently asking whatever deity that would listen why he was so miserable. Why his dad wouldn’t leave him alone, even after death. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos fuel my writing and happiness!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are very appreciated!


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